Melody Remembered

This week has been a tumultuous journey. Some may know what started it, but I need for myself to share how it ended.
This journey started really some time ago. Nate and I have been trying off and on to start a family. My body has not been cooperative. Some may not be willing to share their struggles, but it helps me to stay out of the shadows and bring my struggles into the light. I spent the last year working with a naturopath to sort out hormones and get healthier so that I could have the opportunity to get pregnant. At the end of this year I still didn’t think it was possible on my own as I had not been ovulating. My progesterone levels were so low and my estrogen levels so high. My body not as it should be.
On Friday December 19, 2014, Nate and I went to Overlake Reproductive Health to have a consult in addition to the help I was receiving from my naturopath. We had a positive encounter and had a plan for a month of no medications and a hormone wash in prep for a blood test to get a true baseline of where my body is.
On Tuesday December 23, 2014; I had been feeling off for about a week. Heartburn for a long time, then no appetite for about 3 days and extreme fatigue. I was falling asleep at the drop of a hat. Nate asked me to take a pregnancy test for a lark. The shock and surprise when I saw those two faint lines…then came the JOY.
We took another pregnancy test later that night which was more definitive, most definitely pregnant. With a confirmation of a blood test to be done at the doctor the next day.
Christmas morning dawned; a plan in place to share the news with a select few to help us through the first few months. Picture frames for the grandparents and telephone calls to a few. A phone call from my naturopath first thing to share with me that my progesterone levels were still way too low. It was a risk to our little Curdelet. We immediately worked on getting the progesterone supplemented to support this amazing life blossoming in my womb. We were so overjoyed.
A scare on late Saturday night and early Sunday morning had us in the ED searching for answers. We were told that we couldn’t be too far along as they couldn’t see for sure the gestational sac on the ultrasound; they thought they saw it, but were not 100% sure. So we figured we were about 3 weeks along and that we had conceived on Thanksgiving when I got home from an extended trip. We were told the pain I was feeling was mostly a result of a ruptured complex ovarian cyst and that the pain would last a few days and to take it easy.
We realized how much we wanted this new member of our family, poor Nate was a nervous wreck while in the ED. We rested most of the day Sunday and he went to work Monday December 29th and I rested in the morning. Finally deciding to take a shower and go run a few errands before lying down for a nap as I was to work that night.
And then our world crashed…I had a sharp pain while in the shower and when I got out to dry myself, there was blood. Terrified, I laid right down and called my doctor. So frightened and alone. Praying harder than I have probably ever prayed that it wasn’t my worst fear being realized. As I lay there, our little one was miscarried. And then I had to tell Nate. I was DEVASTATED. I know many women wouldn’t share this, but as for me, I need to tell this. Maybe no one will understand how much I bonded with our little one within a week or how much I was affected. But I was. When we saw our little one, we realized we were much farther along, about 6 or so weeks. Our little Disney miracle. I don’t know why this happened and I can’t even begin to put into words the pain I am feeling. As the day progressed, I got the strong impression of the name Melody. So we are going to bury Melody and grieve our little Disney girl. And take time to heal. I will always remember her. The way I love her, the way she affected me in the short time we had with her. The inability to eat anything sweet, the sudden like of lemon in my water, the need for spicy food to be able to eat, and the sudden like of egg drop soup. Melody, you were loved, you are loved and you will always be missed. May other women find comfort in knowing that if this has happened to you, you are not alone. This unfortunately happens to too many of us.
Melody, you showed us it is possible to get pregnant. You gave us hope for a future with children. You are a light in the world even though you are gone, you are not forgotten. I love you my sweet girl!

What Makes A Mother by Anonymous

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today,
I asked, “What makes a Mother?”
And I know I heard Him say:
A Mother has a baby,
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby’s not with you?

Yes, you can, He replied
With confidence in his voice,
I give many women babies,
When they leave it is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day,
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there’s no need to stay.

I just don’t understand this God,
I want my baby here.

He took a breath,
And cleared His throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing here…

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say,
“We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear,
But my Mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!”
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow is where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear,
“Mommy, please don’t be sad today,
I’m your baby and I am here.”

So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are here in My home,
And this is where they’ll stay.
They’ll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons are through,
And on the day that you come home,
They’ll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother,
It’s the feeling in your heart,
It’s the love you had so much of
Right from the very start

This poem reached me in such a way, and it can be applied to the love the Father has as well. Nate and I are devastated at the loss of our baby, we are grieving and probably will grieve her for the rest of our days, our little perfect one who left us too soon.